“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”
“What do you do if a woman is frigid?” asked the man in the auditorium. “No such thing,” Dr. Ruth Westheimer said in her distinctive German accent. “We do not use that word. We say ‘responsive’ to sex,” she added, rolling the ‘r’ in a lengthy sibilation. “The woman must first know what she wants.” Unlike her usual laughing self, there had been a moment’s pause when she heard the man say ‘frigid’ – a word right out of the Freudian handbook on ‘mature,’ i.e., penetrative sex, vs. ‘immature,’ i.e., foreplay to orgasm. She shook her head and said, “No such thing,” then continued to explain the need for playfulness and asked the man if he had ever used a vibrator. The audience giggled but was in thrall.
This memory returned to me when I learned that the indomitable 4’7” dynamo known as Dr. Ruth Westheimer had recently died. In keeping with Dr Ruth’s sex advice, I was actively channeling my own inner sensuality in Amsterdam at the Casa Rosso live sex show. How fitting, I thought, to learn of our generation’s most popular sex therapist passing while watching the fantastically athletic Black couple seen on the Netflix special Risqué Business, engaging in an expressive copulation on stage a few feet in front of us. Would my husband and I even be here, or would a streaming show on sex even exist, if it weren’t for Dr. Ruth’s advice on the airwaves?
In the 1980’s, when Dr. Ruth’s radio station, Sexually Speaking, began, I was already on my way to becoming a Practical Seductress with all the trials, tastings, and tribulations. It was during this time that I also endured a quasi-open marriage while dealing with punishments doled out by society’s sexual double standard. My sometimes funny, sometimes traumatic search for equality in the pursuit of pleasure had bloomed from the 1970s sexual revolution and women’s movement.
Before Dr. Ruth, sex researchers delivered their messages in a rather dry and data driven manner. Dr. Joyce Brothers was open-minded yet carefully circumspect. Masters and Johnson adhered closely to scientific jargon and laboratory results. Shere Hite attempted to open the shame-ridden sexual closet, especially for women, only to be banned.
Then along came this dynamo known as Dr. Ruth. She put masturbation, orgasm, foreplay, condoms, and contraception in our very living rooms. She introduced viewers to vibrators and sex toys found secretly in many bedroom drawers. She extended our understanding of the human sexual response well beyond the rather sedate Joy of Sex with its hairy-hippy illustrations. She also was a defender of gay rights during the AIDS epidemic, ensuring empathy with her listeners with quips like, “Darling, always use a condom. It’s not just a suggestion; it’s a fashion statement.” And, she would add, “You can’t use an expired condom, darling. It’s like trying to use sour cream on a bagel – it just doesn’t work.”
How did this pint-sized powerhouse who redefined the world of sex education with her endearing accent, infectious laugh, and an uncanny ability to make the most blush-inducing topics feel as casual as discussing the weather? At the time, she was one of the few sex researchers who could utter the words ‘vaginal lubrication’ and ‘clitoris’ with the same warmth and comfort as someone offering you a slice of homemade strudel.
You may have read about Dr. Ruth’s journey from Holocaust survivor and sniper in the Israeli armed forces to earning her doctorate. Given the tragedies she experienced, you would have expected a stoic reserved researcher. Yet, her easy-going, grandmotherly exterior and quaint accent entranced us night after night as she tackled sexual taboos with a wink and a smile. Almost overnight, she transformed late-night radio and television with her candid discussions on sexual health, reproduction, and pleasure, and everyone was talking.
Fast forward to our recent Amsterdam red-light district stroll. We were offered an hour of pleasure with one of the lovely ladies in the glass boxes. The sloe-eyed brunette must have sensed something about this aging couple from the US, as she offered to ensure us that under her tutelage, “everyone goes home happy.” I wondered then how Dr. Ruth, in her Sexually Speaking radio show, would have answered my main concern. “Dr. Ruth,” I would start tentatively, “how do I free myself to feel comfortable enough to experiment with this lady and my hubby when all I can think of is how young and pretty she is, how old I am, and how I could not seem to get over my own hangups enough to even try to ‘go home happy’ that night?” I could almost hear her say, “Darling, let me tell you, this is all up to you.”
Dr. Ruth’s books had catchy titles like Sex for Dummies and The Art of Arousal. They immediately became bestsellers, partly due to her ability to mix education with humor, something I try to achieve in my own work. Her bottom-line advice that still rings true is that sexual health is a fundamental part of overall health and well-being. She approached every caller’s question, no matter how awkward or taboo, with respect and empathy. Her secret? Treating every caller like a dear friend. “Sex is good everywhere,” she’d quip, “but it’s particularly good in the kitchen.”
Sex education is discussed many times in terms of disease, pregnancy, and shame. Dr. Ruth brought light to the guilty shadows. She talked openly about a subject most are taught should remain secret, including masturbation. “Good sex is like good bridge,” she would say. “If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” Sex, she taught us, was essential and a little bit funny too. Her advice to women was particularly pertinent – “You have to understand your own body before you can satisfy someone else.”
I find myself channeling my inner Dr. Ruth in the quest to carry the torch of this fearless, funny, and fabulous sex therapist. Yes, knowledge is power may be a cliché, but with an added laugh, it can make even the most uncomfortable topic feel like a cozy chat with your smart, kinky grandma. If Dr. Ruth were to step back into this life, I would say to her, “Darling, I promise to continue to carry the torch of sensuality in the pursuit of pleasure, with an understanding of biological desire and the need for sexual joy for all.”
